I just wanted to reach out to all of you and explain some of the things that I have been faced with recently.
It’s so funny how many stories are put out there about people. It’s like we all want our side of the story out there as well, but at the end of the day only a few people care to hear what is really going on since the bad is always so much more interesting than the truth. I don’t know why, but this is so weird to me. I used to be angry at the tabloids for printing horrible things about me, but now I try to just be numb to what I see. I saw Tyra Banks once get really upset and cry on her show because they made her look fat. We all want a certain image of ourselves out there, and at some point we all do really care what other people think or we wouldn’t be here.
Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock bottom. Till this day I don’t think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD. I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I was so overwhelmed I think that I was in a little shock too. I didn’t know who to go to. I realized how much energy and love I had put into my past relationship when it was gone because I genuinely did not know what to do with myself, and it made me so sad. I confess, I was so lost.
This letter is to not place blame on anyone, although I do see the world with a completely different set of eyes now. Being in that vulnerable state and taken to dinners and parties with friends and finding out later you paid for everything was a huge learning lesson for me. I think the whole problem was letting too many people into my life. You never know another persons intentions or what another person wants. I feel I was too open and looking for answers when I had it all to begin with. I have had to cut so many people out of my life. It is so sad, because if anyone is a family person…it is me. When I was little I remember every night watching movies with my family and feeling so at peace. Dancing and singing all the time just like a little girl should. Now recently I find with my children that I want them to have that feeling all of the time. I am having to face a lot of things right now since I have children of my own. A lot of insecurities from when I was little are coming up again. It is like we are never good enough.
I know everyone thinks that I am playing the victim, but I am not and I hate what is going on right now so much. Maybe this is the reason for this letter…to maybe allow people to look at me differently. It is like when you are a real woman and say what you feel and how you think things are supposed to be, that people just say you are a “bitch.”
I feel like some of the people in my life made more of some issues than was necessary. I also feel like they knew I was beginning to use my brain for a change and cut some ties, so they wanted to be in more control of my life than me. I think it is actually normal for a young girl to go out after a huge divorce. I think it was a bigger issue because I had not gone out in such a long time. I am 25 and I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes everyday, and I am sure every mistake I make will probably be on CNN or Good Morning America. I am only human people and I love you for still loving me.
I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy.
I just hope this letter made some of you think a little bit more of me and where I am coming from. I just want the same things in life that you want…and that is to be happy. It is just so weird because everyone has their own perception of me and how they think I really am. It is so weird how stories are told. There is your side, my side, and the truth. Somebody has to figure it out. I guess we will never really understand or figure out life completely. That’s God’s job. I can’t wait to meet him…or her.
It’s a shame that so many people overlook Impossible Princess. The singles are especially excellent with “Some Kind of Bliss” being my favorite. I’ve been listening to this song with the windows rolled down the past few days. There is no better way to greet the summer than with Kylie.
Ugh.. So pretty much this guy from my school (who Ive had the longest crush on) randomly talked to me on fb after I liked his status.. He was obviously flirting and asked me to come to his party today. After like two seconds he added and asked if I could sleep over.. Of course I assumed it would be like a few people but it turns out he was talking about just me and him so I was all for it!! So I got super excited but then like three hours ago when I went to the party I found out a lot of people are doing the same, so I left early. He apologized and told me he would love to hook up as soon as he can. GOD DAMMIT! He is so attractive… I mean hes an asshole but look wise, damn. Anyways! I just wish it couldve happened.. I even bought cute underwear… Im at home now after like drinking and its like a miserable pre hangover idk…
I had the weirdest dream last night! Ok so in the dream my sister won a contest to like hang out with Justin Bieber for a day so he ended up coming to our house fro like the day. We ended up hanging out and for some reason went to Ikea. As we ended the shopping me and him went to get like the frozen yogurt that you can buy (my sister went home cause she was tired), and as we were sitting down it kinda got quiet and to break the silence I asked something in terms of “anything exciting in your life?” to which he was like “I think I have a crush on my gym trainer” or something like that… A few seconds later I found out he was talking about a guy so I was like really shocked… So I asked “what about Selena??”, and he was just like “meh, shes my beard”… So pretty much after that we had a nice convo and ended up going to the movies. As we were watching a movie somehow we ended up smooching! So pretty much I made him promise that he would come back every now and then to visit me.
I honestly hate it when people limit other people's privileges based on their age.
Of course I’m talking about Madonna! She gets lots of hate and negative comments about how she acts and what she wears all based on her age. Is it really our right to do that? I mean why should older people be able to do things everyone else does? Its not even that she has a horrible body or anything. She looks amazing for 52 and I hate how people limit her to doing only age appropriate music. If youre really that “pressed” then dont buy her music and just walk away.